Healing: Why is it taking you so long to get over it?

Healing from trauma is a deeply personal journey, and it’s hard enough without the unsolicited advice and comments from people who mean well but just don’t understand what you've been through. While they might think they’re being helpful, their words often feel dismissive or even hurtful, making the healing process even harder.

These phrases often lack empathy and oversimplify the complex journey of healing. They can make someone feel dismissed, misunderstood, or even blamed for their own trauma. And YES, these are things that were said to me.

• "Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
• "Look forward, not back."
• "Stop dwelling on things."
• "If you think happy thoughts, you’ll attract happiness."
• "How long has it been…well you should be over it by now."
• "You're overthinking everything."
• "Everything happens for a reason."
• "Time heals all wounds."
• "You should focus on being positive."
• "You just need to let it go."
• "Other people have been through worse."
• "You’re stronger because of it."
• "You'll find someone else."
• and the kicker - "Why didn’t you just leave? Why would you stay?"

These comments injected into your healing journey, however well-intentioned, cause mental road blocks. They can set back your progress, making you feel like you’re doing something wrong simply for taking the time you need to heal.

But here's the truth: you need to reflect on your past to move forward. Your past holds the answers you're searching for. When people urge you to "stop living in the past," it can discourage you from finding those answers. It can push you to suppress those feelings, leaving them unresolved. Without that reflection, your healing can come to a standstill—or worse, you might move on too quickly, only to find yourself stuck in the same patterns again.

Healing takes time, introspection, and patience. And while advice may come from a caring place, only you truly know what works for your journey.

HOW CAN YOU HELP A SURVIVOR?

Instead of unsolicited advice or judgment, what trauma survivors often need is understanding and support. Words like these can make a world of difference:

• "I’m so sorry you’re going through this."
• "I’m here for you. How can I help?"
• "It’s okay to take all the time you need."
• "You don’t have to go through this alone."
• "I can’t imagine how hard this is, but I’m here to support you however I can."
• "Take things one step at a time—I’m here to walk with you."
• "Your progress, no matter how small it feels, is still progress."
• "Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling."
• "You are so much more than what happened to you."
• "It’s okay to take as long as you need to heal."
• "You deserve to be loved and supported."
• "You have every right to prioritize yourself and your healing."
• "There’s no right or wrong way to heal."
• "You deserve kindness, patience, and understanding—especially from yourself."

Healing is a process, and it looks different for everyone. The best thing anyone can do is hold space for you to feel what you need to feel and move forward in your own time.